親友逝去 My Close Friend Passed Away

 親友逝去

 　親友のN君が1月２２日に亡くなった。N君の奥様からメッセージが来ていたのに見ていなかった。見たのは２４日の二時頃であった。既に通夜も葬儀も終わっていることに愕然とし、とにかく葬儀場に駆けつけようと思った。喪服を着て、香典を用意するときに、気が動転して、香典の袋を用意する手が震え、自分が自分でないようであった。

葬儀場は地下鉄桜通線の太閤通駅のそばにある愛昇殿であった。奥様にメッセージを送ると「今、火葬場にいる。三時半頃、初七日のお経がある」との返信。

　初七日ではN君の笑顔の遺影が据えられ、読経が始まった。ご焼香が始まり、私は親族ではないが、最後にご焼香することができた。焼香するため祭壇の前に立つと、どうしようもなく涙が込み溢れて来て、身体が震え、まともに焼香できなかった。

　あれから一週間たった。毎日N君のことを思い出している。

もう永遠に会えないのか。

 

My Close Friend Passed Away

My close friend N passed away on January 22. A message from his wife had come to me, but I hadn’t seen it. I noticed it around two o’clock on the 24th. I was stunned to learn that both the wake and the funeral had already ended. All I could think was that I had to get to the funeral hall somehow. As I put on my mourning clothes and prepared the condolence money envelope, I was so shocked that my hands trembled while preparing the envelope. I felt as if I were no longer myself.

The funeral hall was Aishōden, near Taikō-dōri Station on the Sakura-dōri subway line. When I sent a message to his wife, she replied, “We’re at the crematorium now. Around three-thirty, there will be the service for the shonanoka or the seventh day.”

At the shonanoka service, N’s smiling portrait was placed at the front, and the sutra chanting began. When the incense offering started, I was allowed to offer incense at the very end, even though I was not a family member. Standing before the altar to offer incense, I was suddenly overwhelmed by tears. My body shook, and I couldn’t perform the incense offering properly.

Not a single day has passed without thinking of N. How sad it is that I will never see him again.

親友 N君 My Close Friend, N.

 親友　N君

　N君の見舞いに行ってきた。N君は大学一年生の時、英会話の座席が私の前だったので親しくなった。６０年以上の付き合いだ。

大垣の実家に来てもらったり、彼の家に遊びに行ったりした。大学のISA（国際学生協会）という英語部に二人とも所属しており、部活動を共にした。私の結婚式にも来てもらった。卒業後もISAの同窓会で会ったり、個人的に年に二回ぐらい栄で会って飯を食べた。母の葬式には大垣に来てくれた。

短気だが、実行力があり、意見をはっきり言った。友人思いで、T君が奥さんを失くした時、埼玉県まで行って友人を元気づけた。

今日見舞いに行って悲しかった。「N、松岡や。分かるか？」と言っても、眼が虚ろで、身体を横向きにしてテレビを眺めているだけ。奥さんが「松岡さんが来たよ」と言っても、頷くように首を振ったようだったが、私の目を見ようとしなかった。そう言えば３０分の見舞い中、彼は私を見なかった……。食事もできない。点滴で栄養を取っているらしい。尿はカテーテルで取っている。ベッドから下りられない。車椅子にも乗れない。

人間、ああなってしまうのか。俺はまだ元気だ。俺も今の内だ。何事も。

 

My Close Friend, N

I went to a hospital to see N today. I first became close to him in our first year of university, as his seat was right in front of me in our English conversation class. We’ve known each other for more than sixty years.

He came to my home in Ōgaki, and I visited his home as well. We both belonged to the English club, ISA (the International Student Association), and spent our club days together. He came to my wedding.

After graduation, we continued to meet at ISA reunions, and privately, we would get together for a meal in Sakae about twice a year. When my mother passed away, he came all the way to Ōgaki for the funeral.

He had a short temper, but he got things done and always spoke his mind. He cared deeply for his friends. When T lost his wife, N went all the way to Saitama to cheer him up.

It was painful to visit him today. I said, “N, this is Matsuoka. Do you recognize me?” but his eyes were vacant, and he just lay on his side staring at the TV. Even when his wife said, “Matsuoka-san is here,” he seemed to nod slightly, but he didn’t try to look at me. Come to think of it, during the whole thirty minutes I was there, he never once looked at me. He can’t eat anymore. He’s receiving nutrition through an intravenous line. His urine is taken through a catheter. He can’t get out of bed. He can’t even sit in a wheelchair.

Is this what becomes of us humans? I’m still healthy now. I suppose I have to make the most of the time I have left, whatever it is.